How Typical!

My guy friends very often wonder why i tend to have such radical opinions about guys. Some of my friends also take offense at the fact that i don't give many a 'chance', I generalize, I am biased and so on. Maybe this will help them understand why I feel the guys who do the following are the rule and NOT the exceptions.

Your neighborhood help - chauffeur, presswallah, jamadaar etc. will check you out

While you drive, some car will try to overtake you, drive rashly, just to get ahead and then feel triumphant about it.

At any point, if your car does stop while driving, which can happen to the best of us, it is because 'you are a girl' and not because maybe you did not maintain the speed-gear balance.

At all traffic signals, and I mean ALL, the cars adjacent to you will stare inside. Yes I am a girl driving. Please get used to it.

You most definitely have got followed. At least once.

You will get random 'Wana be friends lines' everywhere..resturants, offices, social networking sites. You name it.

Your ex-boyfriend will find innovative ways to make u feel pathetic about yourself. And u feel pathetic also. Mission accomplished.

Some 'friends' are actually crushing you. Hence the sudden 'understanding'.

Your colleagues will openly stare/gaze/comment. You are not supposed to raise an alarm unless something drastic happens. Common thought 'Kuch kia kya usne?' Should i wait for the pervert to go to the extent of touching me

Little 'kids' at the signal, who are young enough to be your nephews, will call you dirty names and run away.

Men old enough to be your fathers/grandfathers will proposition to you..at conferences, overseas visits, you name it.

Loser-ish guys who wish to go out with you, will try everything, but ask you out. If you are so interested, why dont you gather enough balls to ask someone out?

While travelling by public transport, sudden crowds will give them a liberty to feel you up, pinch your bottom, pinch your bossom.

There is always an incestuous experience during childhood, which involved someone whom you trusted - a close relative, a trusted friend.

And those are some of the reasons why guys consider women as 'bhaav khaoing', rude, snobbish and like me..man-haters.

Statutory Warning (girls only): Any glance, stare, chance meeting of eyes, conversation, exchange of mails, contact details and something as innocuous as a pleasant expression will be misconstrued as an expression of interest, unless stated otherwise explicitly. Explicit statements can range from resorting to physical violence to blatant ignore. In maximum cases, the assailant will not acknowledge your attempts to discourage interest.

An ode to my Thatha

In tamil thatha means grandfather. I have known only my maternal grandfather. My paternal grandfather passed away before I was born. Off late, I have been missing my thatha a lot. He left us 2 years ago, but actually left us when I was 13. I will always regret not been given the chance to spend more time with him.

My thatha was my hero. He had traveled extensively and will have a quirky tale to tell about all his travels. Even now, he has been to more countries than any of us. He was a real champ. Thatha was the most handsome man i have known till date and was a huge influence in my life, when i think in retrospect. He introduced me to the things i enjoy the most now. He taught me how to swim, play tennis, the technical nuances of cricket. He introduced me to Sherlock Holmes at a very tender age, eventually transforming me into a reading addict. He taught me how to enjoy the good ol' English breakfast, French Toast and the glass of orange juice for breakfast. He was a man born ahead of his times. Even at that age, he used to enjoy an occasional drink although coming from a strict tamil brahmin setup. He gave all of us an environment and culture that i don't think any of us would have been able to visualize. An educator by spirit, he financed and founded a primary school in his village to prvent children form walking 5kms to obtain education. He ensured the quality of education by involving members of the family as teachers and the management. The school remains as an epitome of his vision.

I think if he had been around at the time of deciding my career or my education path, it would've helped me in a lot of ways. I miss having his perspective on things. I guess in short, I miss him. But as humans you learn to deal with loss and move on. His loss was sudden and unnatural. Physical presence and metal absence can sometimes be more painful than physical absence. It always pained me and still does when I remember what he went through. Ten years is not a short time. But even when he departed, he managed to teach us lessons in life - compassion, determination and unconditional love.

I will always miss u thatha. I hope to get to know u better one day. love u.

Why

Why doesnt it seem to hurt anymore? Have we become so independent or so busy? Very few people crave intimacy..the kind that makes u laugh in company and smile in its absence..

Why are things so complicated? Why cant we just make a little more effort and straighten things out..

Why do we blame everything on change..is it so easy to change almost a lifetime of feeling?

Why do things change without a tangible reason..What ignites it..

Why does everyone still feel lonely? But refuse to reach out..

Why are we so hesitant..why are we afraid of establishing our right?

Why am I no longer able to understand these things..

Why does it seem it to hurt me? Do I need to grow up?

I Dont want to..If it means not being able to talk things over..

Why am I so scared and upset..Am I the only one?

People Like Them

People Like Them feel Isolated with Intimate Friends

And Talk Nineteen to Dozen to keep away their Mind's Din

People Like Them lie to Protect Others' Feelings

And wallow in their own Sadness and end up hurting the Others in any case

People Like Them Seem to be the Best at everything

But in Reality are constantly Fighting a Surge Within

People Like Them Lend Advice and a Patient Ear

Hoping that Some day it will be Reciprocated when they require

People Like Them Fight for their Pals with the World

Only to realize it ain't really gonna happen in Return

People Like Them Seek Happiness with Friends and Family

And are Misconstrued as Social Butterflies

People Like Them stand for the Right

But the Person Happens to be Wrong

People Like Them bring Together the Unknown

And then become Dispensable to Everyone Known

People Like Them face Rejection at all Walks of Life

But Still find enough Redemption to Move On and Smile

People Like Them are Forever Insecure

Contrary to the Portrayal of I-Can-Handle-All

People Like Them Are in a Tug-of-War

Between Wanting to be Discovered yet Remain Strong.

Bombay trip

I am back after a super social action packed weekend with d guys in bombay! My checklist:

• Spend time with chitti n bro. Done.
• Flirt with Him. Done.
• Go to Shack. Done.
• Get Sloshed. Almost Done.
• Talk things out with Him. Done.
• Check out Her new place. Done.
• Play with the cute kid next door. Done.
• Meet P. Done.
• Go to Poptates. Done.
• Dance on Nirma @ Enigma. Not Done.
• Get hot haircut. Done.
• Meet S, A and D after ages!! Done.
• Go to Prithvi. Done.
• Go to Mondy's for Breakfast. Not Done.
• Spend time wid A. Not Done.
• Bump into known people at randon places. Done.
• Spend time wid Sis. Done
• Brave Bombay Monsoons. Done.
• Get my Degree(S). Done!!
• Drink Cutting at tappli during rains. Done.
• Walk around in flooded Bombay. Done.
• Foot all bills and feel all grown up. Done.
• Buy Cute umbrella, Hot bag. Not Done.
• Make my family meet friends' family. Done.
• Buy Scotch for Dad. Done.
• Gossip! Done.
• Go to Alfa. Done.
• Fight with the College Management. Done.
• Take mom dad on Sea Link. Not Done.
• Visit Sea Link myself (with Sis). Done.
• Graduation Party at Hard Rock. Done.
• Not Sleep a Wink. Done.
• Return home with Salary Gone. Done.

So all this resulted in me missing office on Wednesday too. So 3 LWPs for me. Poor kunju!

Change

He though he overcame it

he thought it was gone

But it creeps up on him

Like a needling thorn

His throat constricts

Eyes flood over

His breath fails him

The pain the only power

Deeper he delves

Linking failures to each other

lost in the labyrinth

he struggles to holler

In the anguish he remembers

the times dat r past now

But try as he may, he cannot help

compare the present how

They say change governs existense

But we never question intent

what if it was never present

D intent dat is a granted clause?

Delhi..bombay..delhi

Delhi..Bombay..Mumbai..Dilli..i think I will always run around in circles between these two..Ive lived in Delhi for 18 years and now am back..for good I hope. But Bombay has made me what I am now. 5 years in the city..it will always hold that special place..a lot
of firsts the city has given me..and u never forget your firsts do u..however embarrassing? On the Contrary..more embarrassing the better..:)

Somehow I am always incomplete..a part of me is missing..i am always longing. In Delhi i want the beach, the crowd..d 'itna paisa meh itna ich milenga', Marine drive, d responsibility of living alone..in Bombay i want the history..the roads..d rustic tenor..d not getting up from razai in winter mornings..d security of home.

And I am so tired of Bombay vs. Delhi. I love u both! each is great in its own right..I will always love u..Delhi is the very essence of me..beginning from kohl rimmed eyes..my straight f

orward demeanor..my love for cotton and winter..bombay taught me how to survive..losing friendship..losing my home..losing hope..but still holding on!

Leaving a city is bitter-sweet always..u will always crave for home..but in a tiny corner of your heart the city lives on. Break-ups are similar..u will always miss the moments u shared..but u continue to where your life is beckoning. Either cases don't present us with options eh?

I have spent a good amount of time as a hosteler loving this song..now back home..the song retains its importance:

Kehne ko saath apne ek duniya chalti hai..par chupke is dil meh tanhayee palti hai

Bas yaad saath hai..teri yaad saath hai

Rock On

रहिमन धागा प्रेम का, मत तोड़ो चटकाय।

टूटे से फिर ना जुड़े, जुड़े गाँठ परि जाय॥

When i first heard/saw promos of the movie, to tell u the truth I wasn't very enthralled. I thought..ok pbly another 'chicklit'. And in my nomadic existence, i don't have the privilege of watching too many promos. Thus, the disasters of Elaan, Karam, Lucky..I know some of u don't even know these movies!

Anyway..during one of the blessed glimpse of the promo..a phrase caught my eye..Live your Dream..and the lyrics..Zindagi milegi na dubara stayed with me. Owing to recent happennings in my life, sentiments overpowered me and my aching dream to dance proffessionally resurfaced. I figured ek bar toh dekhni hai. Now toh I have seen the movie twice..of course the motivating factor was Farhan Akhtar..gawd! how hot can one be!.. :P. But i will try and limit my musings to an objective view of my emotions bt the movie. :)

The movie of course runs at its pace, taking time to familiarize the audience with each character of the movie. The investment banker, the ameer baap ka gujju beta who is the joker of the gang, the sentimental guitarist and the pragmatic freelance artist. 4 different people of contrasting personalities, the best buddies..one common thread..passion for music.

What made it special for me was the friendship amongst them..c an odd 6months or so are left of my college life..n i wana live it to the hilt..forget differences..just let loose. Also..im in delhi for some while for my internship. This time, i guess due 2 the abnormal chain of events back in bombay, I was more than looking forward to my time in dilli..back wid my chaddi buddies..celebrating my budday here after ages..had the works planned..but life does not always work according 2 wt u planned..i faced more than my share of losses..permanent and (i hope) temporary.

For the first time in my life, I felt out of control..everything slipping and..alone. Had never experienced it..guess 4 years of living out of home..the only isuue I have faced is privacy..:). But now I have attained enlightenment.. :). I realised, u cannot afford to lose control..coz if u do..everything falls apart..like it did for Joe. U cannot blame, u cannot survive blaming the people u love..u will never be at peace. Also u cannot escape it..ur life is hollow if u do..a part of u dies. Anyway as we grow, the child inside keeps diminishing..if so much of us keeps dying..what do we become?

I was hurt and angry and confused..and I am very capable of completely cutting ties and turning cold..but then its not worth it..coz a huge part of what u are is due to the people around u..if u compromise relationships..u compromise urself..and u lose urself.

The movie gave me hope..maybe ten years hence, my husband will throw a surprise budday party fr me..:P..like the birthday I planned this year 2 be. But more importantly, I thought u should forgive and be strong and face adversaries..yourself. Friends, family will always be there..but it is you who has to come to terms with events. And only when u see the little u have slipping away from u does the realization dawn. When dat dumb prachi desai left aditya..he was jolted. I guess that was required fr me too..sometimes something good comes out of a silly ego conflict. After losing two of my buddies, I was close to losing a third last sunday. That's when I realised..it has to stop somewhere..and it has..finally.

And about pursuing dreams..u should continue doing what makes u happy..despite ur boring work..look at me im writing dis siting in office.. :P. Thinking about it, not many people have a defined passion in life..those who do..should definitely not give up..

the most beautiful ballad from the movie summarizes it..

ye tumhari meri baatein

humesha yuhin..chalti rahein

ye humari mulakatein

humesha yuhin..chalti rahein

beete yuhi apne saare din raat

baaton se nikalti rahe...nai baat.

Love

I remember how it began
The innocent glances
The talks thru the night
The meaningless fights, The meaningful laughs
The candour, The ease
Guarded we were of unleashing our true self
But our eyes soon mastered reading one other well
When it developed, neither took note
Just a blissful feeling percolated the soul
The anxiety The hesitance
I remember it all
The gratification that permeated
When Realization dawned
Began a journey
Clandestine and Passionate
The ardour heightened,
By the necessitated secret
Unprepared and Undaunted
We ploughed on together
Experiencing the comfort of friendship with fervour
Young and Fearles
We held our own
Nurturing and Advising
The extension of one's own

Months passed, the secrecy ended at will
The knowledge bringing an abandon that thrilled
Heady was the concoction of camaraderie and passion
As we experienced love in every fraction
Gladly we bared mind body and soul
Till I became unvirginally yours
The journey had reached a point of no return
As i submitted more than I had yearned
Lying next to you the uncertainty plagued
The night welded into morn,
But uncertainty remained
I did not doubt my strength to plunge
But I did doubt my strength to endure
Morning dawned as u stirred, Reaching out, Hungry for more
"Don't", I said, "It Hurts"
Tenderly u caressed then, Gentler than Before

Abandoned I feel now, I wonder why
It seems u have disappeared, suddenly from my life
Please remind me, When it all began
The meaningful fights, The void of talks
The anger, The denial, The silent tears,
The discomfort and rejection, And the Heartburn
When it developed, I didn't take note
But the demons still plague me
Fiercer than before
A sinking feeling accompanies me now
The anger, The betrayal
I feel it all
"Don't", I said, "It Hurts"
But now the plea falls on deaf ears

handicap

yeah i kno i am overreacting..for ppl who dont know and still check my blog..i hv a cast and a crutch..left foot has a ligament tear..again.
the injury is back after 3 years..time for some background again..i had a ligament tear 3yrs ago..ws in bbay den too..1st year..dint pay much heed..n worsened it a lot..BUT ws still walking. nw d injury is back with a vengeance. AND im a dancer. of course i study too..i mean d mba tech i pursue is supposed 2 earn me big bucks(laugh!)..bt essentially im a dancer. dont know y im baring my soul on such a public forum..bt guess sumtimes d best of d ppl dont understand u..
yeah its only for 10 days..hopefully..of which 6 have passed (yay!). and IF d doc(grrr..i hate him!) removes my cast and i can stop my hop scotch..i still cant dance..d doc sed 3 weeks (with a hidden at least).
apart from d irony of depending on everyone 4 evrytin..cant catch an auto on my own..a good samaritan gets d rik 4 me n i hop on..thanks saket n sid..u guys hv alwaz been there! yeah so i ws sayin, apart 4m dat..tis dis nagging fear in my heart dat tis gonna b like last time..i dint dance fr an entire year..precautions+fear. and when i startd again i ws afraid i wont b as good as i was..i also suffer from a fragile ego and false pride.
i stay in d 3rd flr with no lift..so hv been putting up with my friends..n they have been more than tolerant to my tantrums..feels wonderful to have such great friends
the past 1year has been good in terms of my dance..ws offered instructorship, gave a show..ws pretty satisfied with the way things were..wanted to diversify u kno..i have a year n a half until my student life is up..throw in d training..n say 1 yr is wt i hv.at one level cant wait 2 earn..on another level..i know d rat race n wana b a very successful rat at that..so wanted 2 make d most of d student existence dat i possess. i wanted 2 learn as much as possible..revive jazz, learn belly dancing, master salsa n jive..mayb give a workshop or 2 for kids..
yeah i know i can still do it..i kno im sulking..i know am making a mountain of a molehill..but im scared. what if i cant dance for a year after this? my time is up..
n den of course..tis d eternal..y me? :P..
hmm..and i so hate depending on others..and d sympathy..im sorry if i offend anyone..bt iv alwaz been dis ultra independent person..n im not known for being patient or staying at a place..:)
ive handled dis really badly..which makes me feel even worse..
nw lets focus on d pros..i can use EB and make ppl work 4 me..no dancing..so no party on new year..so i save money..of course no going out so no showing off new dress and no dates either..bt we are focusing on pros now! apart frm dat guess d same old..u figure who ur 'real friends' are.
help is pouring in from some unexpected quarters..while some quarters have been surprisingly distant..and then there are some quarters where i permanently reside..(being rather sappy now)
anyways..am feeling decidedly better nw..thanx for reading me prattling on..

feminism..is it?

Firstly i apologise for not writing in ages..as u all kno..im the procrastination queen..and as my friend very nicely jst reminded me..i am laptop less..meh chori k laptop se likh rahi hun'.
Been meaning to write this 4 a long time..happened sumwhr at the beginning of d session.

There ws a discussion in our law lecture about the not-so-recent mandate passed by the Karnataka Government regarding banning women from working late. As expected a heated discussion ensued..considering moi, a self confessed feminist was a member. (Now as are most engg and MBA student bodies, ours is a male dominated strength..at least in mere numerals).
Our law faculty is a lady..an opinionated one at that..my best friend feels females always have sumtin against other hot females (the best friend is a guy of course).

Not that i expected much, but none of the able-minded males sitting out there seemed to think the mandate was preposterous. That was not surprising, what amazd me was, neither did most of the able-minded females out there. And mind you, this was a discussion in an MBA school in Mumbai.

The argument provided were, the obtuse 'let's accept it, women ARE weaker than men'..and 'what will u do if u get raped?' and this one tops the list..there was an analogy drawn between this mandate and the laws for homicide. The argument so given was, the state is doing its job in protecting US( yeah this means it was a lady in the classroom who pointed it out) and just like state prevents homicide, it is preventing rape. In our liberal approach, it never crosses aur mind to curtail the culprit.
Now, the point I am trying to make is, how can a state prevent someone from going out at night? Just as every woman is a potential rape victim, every man is a potential rapist. Or is it not?
My viewpoints may seem feminist..but it seems only fair to impose an equal ban.
I have a question, if my organization wants me to handle an emergency which let's say occurs late at night. Considering the ban, i cannot move out. Now, why will an organization want to employ a lady in a responsible position? I have to compromise my responsibility and freedom because a jerk on the road is inept in controlling his hormones?

The ultimate argument of course was, how many cases do you hear of males getting raped as compared to females? This precisely proves my point..who is a danger on the streets late at night..males or females? This brings us back to the fundamental question..does our law curtail the culprit or the victim?

exhilirating

"The fearless are merely fearless. People who act in spite of their fear are truly brave."
heh..u can see how proud i am of this feat..please humour my vanity..

insomnia

what's wid google and its mindless language settings huh? an insomniac cant even log on widout feeling inadequate..i dunno hindi..y rub it in my face? takes me ages to figure out how to change the language..hmph! who designs all dis i ask..is it one of dose ppl proclaiming hindutva..?
like coelho sed..the universe conspires with u..does it now? i alwaz get d feeling..the universe ends up conspiring against me..ah well..
nw see this..gotta get up early tmrw bt sleep eludes me..evry1'l say watz new..dint u just proclaim the insomnia..bt wot kind of insomnia forces a lazy procrastinating slothful piece of flesh pick her ass 4m d bed..switch on the light..go 2 another room and log on..of course to be subject to google cruelty..
and to think my insomnia drove me 2 write a blog..y aint ne1 online at 3 am? i yearn for some sign of life..of signs from the divine..is the earth repugnant at this hour..oh there is my mouse..was wondering where it went..the divine sign divulged.
sorry san..m sure dis is not what u had in mind 4 a blog..
dont wana leave dilli..m so much in love wid dis city man..just love roaming the spaces..the ridge..cp..ihc..dilli haat..nsd..campus..oxford..big chill..qba..yum! m hungry nw..n hw cd i 4get my mecca..tc..less than a fortnyt..dont wana go..love it complete wid the ass pinching, the behens and the maas, the autowalas n the bluelines..i love metroo!!! and the fact that dilli gals r supposed 2 b fast..and guys desp..plizz dnt kill me..m an insominiac on the prowl..

Mind Wanderer

alone in a crowd
lost lookin at the map
dreamy durin quarrels
curious when i cry
my mind is an individual
who makes me envious
the ultimate nomad
among my emotions
the uncrowned rebel
in my dreary existence
the ubiquitous distraction
in all my meandering
my mind is a foe
which makes me formidable
cruel to its neighbours
ever demanding
procrastinating the inevitable
graspin the implausible
ingenious to itself
obtuse to the rest
complacent in its being
my mind is my confidante
which defines me